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Monthly Archives: November 2011

Following Natural Routines

I have finally decided to stop fighting it! I have a natural sleep cycle of waking up at 4 AM. I spend the first hour and a half of my day in quiet reflection. I will get up and get my cup of coffee made and then go outside and feed my dog and breath in the fresh air for a few minutes. Then I will get out my bible and journal and spend some quiet time in reading, journaling, and prayer. It really helps me to have a calm spirit throughout the day. Usually I am always agitated and emotionally unstable.

I started my new sleeping/waking routine yesterday and did fantastic. I did pretty well today compared to my slothful days, but my mind was not at peace as much as it was yesterday. I need to learn to be gentle with myself and not say negative things. My feelings were a bit all over the place.

I am still trying to figure out my natural fall asleep time because I have been staying up late-ish still and it is making me a bit tired. Today my 2 year old dunked our two phones in my water cup while I was out of the room and I lashed out with my words at him. So I decided that what we both needed was a nap because he usually acts out more when he is tired and I do as well 🙂 I was planning on taking a 1 hour nap, but it turned into 2 hours. I felt refreshed when I woke up, though, and that was the important part.

I have 6 “themes” that I have for my daily planner. They are the 6 roles in my life. Under each I have A,B,and C written. Every day I write down what needs to be done putting the things that I absolutely need to do that day as an A. I completed all of my A items and also some of my B ones. I will be transferring the items that are left over to tomorrow’s day. This works well for me because the things that I feel are the most pressing or most important won’t get forgotten and I won’t feel bad for not doing the B’s or C’s because the A’s are the ones that I MUST do. I am glad that I have finally found a natural routine that helps me to get done what I need to during the day and also does not make me feel like I am taken advantage of and have no free time.

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Epic Fail

I have had a busy couple of days, but mostly just busy internally. I had a 5-page research paper to write that was due tonight. Not done. I found out I could complete it by tonight on Monday, but it was Halloween so I didn’t get anything done on it that day. Tuesday I wrote out all of my homework for the week so I wouldn’t forget it, but didn’t actually work on it. Wednesday I had it written down on my “Bonus” to-do list which I never got to. I did get quite a bit done on Wednesday, though, just not this paper. Thursday I had a meeting with my therapist and she said that I did well on Wednesday but I needed to get over my bad mood from the fight with my husband so that I didn’t get depressed. It didn’t work. I couldn’t shake it. She suggested writing down things that will de-stress me and then doing one of those anytime I feel stressed. I haven’t done that yet.

Thursday evening I decided that I needed to stay up all night and research for my paper. I didn’t know what in the world I was doing. I looked through some articles online but I had no clue where to go with it all. I think that my topic was so broad that I just didn’t know how to pare it down. I wanted to do all of the subtopics on it, which would have made it at least 20 pages, not 5. So I wrote down a bunch of articles that I wanted to find. That was about 100 and I never got around to finding them because I would get sucked into an article and it would remind me of something completely unrelated and I would go google search that. It was a big waste of time.

Today I slept in until 1 PM because I didn’t get to bed until 8 AM. With nothing done toward my paper. Well I had looked things up, but I didn’t know what to do with the information. I haven’t written a research paper in a couple of years because I have been taking “easy” courses. I really think I am getting worse as I get older 😦 I thought that I was supposed to mature and blossom into a grown adult, but my brain seems to be deteriorating at a fast pace. I can’t get anything together. My brain is a jumbled mess. It is pushing me and my husband apart because he can’t handle all of my failures. I have no idea what is going to happen as far as next semester is concerned because I probably screwed up my financial aid and won’t be able to complete my 1 course I need to graduate. I am officially a screw up.

Overwhelm

I had a really bad day yesterday and didn’t even type up a post. I just felt overwhelmed with all the things that I felt like I had to do, so I did none of them. Well, that is not correct I did get a lot written for NaNoWriMo that I just found out about and decided to participate. It is a “competition” of sorts where you write a 50,000 page novel during the month of November. You are supposed to write 1,668 words a day or something like that. It wasn’t as bad as I thought and actually I quite enjoyed it. That is the only thing I got done, though. No, that still isn’t true. I went for a walk with my boys. That is my habit I am practicing this month. Some type of exercise every day.

I am supposed to small goals for myself everyday and also writing down 5 accomplishments, but I haven’t been keeping up with it. I have cycles of my moods. I will do really well for a while and then start feeling depressed and not do anything for a while. When I am at my lowest I won’t even get dressed or go outside for days. I know that this is effecting my children and a few months ago I went to seek help from a therapist. I think it is going pretty well, but I am impatient and want to be “better” already. I know that this is a process and I have to just work on it a day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time. One of my goals it to be more in the moment, so I definitely need to work on that.

I was planning on writing about overwhelm and how it takes control of me, but I think that many people are already aware that this is their problem. So I am going to write about some things that I KNOW help me and also make up some post-it notes to put around the house so I can remind myself of them. First, going outside everyday. I remember growing up my dad would stay inside for days on end with the curtains closed and his sunglasses on. I am a lot like him and when I am feeling low the last thing I want to do is to step outside in the sun. It feels like it is mocking me. “Haha, I am so bright and happy and you’re not”. So I need to remember that going outside is helpful and very beneficial.

Secondly, getting dressed and putting on makeup in the mornings. If I don’t put on makeup then I am having a bad day. I am blessed to have a nice complexion and don’t feel like I need makeup, but if I am feeling happy I will put it on so I am going to be putting on makeup everyday to trick my mind into thinking I am happy on days that I don’t feel that way. Also, along those lines I need to wash my makeup off every night. I have a bad habit of not washing it off and then in the mornings my eyes feel nasty from sleeping with the mascara on. I am sure it probably isn’t very safe either.

My last thing I am going to remind myself to do is to exercise everyday. It releases endorphins and makes me feel better about myself. Also, it makes me healthier so in the long run it makes a HUGE difference. I have a habit of comfort eating when I am depressed and then I get depressed more because I feel fat and unhealthy. When I exercise my body craves healthier foods, so another good reason! Since it is my new habit for the month I think that I will do really well with this one, but I am still putting up a reminder just in case. Hopefully these tips will help someone else who may have the same problems with overwhelm that I do.