I have had a busy couple of days, but mostly just busy internally. I had a 5-page research paper to write that was due tonight. Not done. I found out I could complete it by tonight on Monday, but it was Halloween so I didn’t get anything done on it that day. Tuesday I wrote out all of my homework for the week so I wouldn’t forget it, but didn’t actually work on it. Wednesday I had it written down on my “Bonus” to-do list which I never got to. I did get quite a bit done on Wednesday, though, just not this paper. Thursday I had a meeting with my therapist and she said that I did well on Wednesday but I needed to get over my bad mood from the fight with my husband so that I didn’t get depressed. It didn’t work. I couldn’t shake it. She suggested writing down things that will de-stress me and then doing one of those anytime I feel stressed. I haven’t done that yet.
Thursday evening I decided that I needed to stay up all night and research for my paper. I didn’t know what in the world I was doing. I looked through some articles online but I had no clue where to go with it all. I think that my topic was so broad that I just didn’t know how to pare it down. I wanted to do all of the subtopics on it, which would have made it at least 20 pages, not 5. So I wrote down a bunch of articles that I wanted to find. That was about 100 and I never got around to finding them because I would get sucked into an article and it would remind me of something completely unrelated and I would go google search that. It was a big waste of time.
Today I slept in until 1 PM because I didn’t get to bed until 8 AM. With nothing done toward my paper. Well I had looked things up, but I didn’t know what to do with the information. I haven’t written a research paper in a couple of years because I have been taking “easy” courses. I really think I am getting worse as I get older 😦 I thought that I was supposed to mature and blossom into a grown adult, but my brain seems to be deteriorating at a fast pace. I can’t get anything together. My brain is a jumbled mess. It is pushing me and my husband apart because he can’t handle all of my failures. I have no idea what is going to happen as far as next semester is concerned because I probably screwed up my financial aid and won’t be able to complete my 1 course I need to graduate. I am officially a screw up.