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Category Archives: Bad Mood

Epic Fail

I have had a busy couple of days, but mostly just busy internally. I had a 5-page research paper to write that was due tonight. Not done. I found out I could complete it by tonight on Monday, but it was Halloween so I didn’t get anything done on it that day. Tuesday I wrote out all of my homework for the week so I wouldn’t forget it, but didn’t actually work on it. Wednesday I had it written down on my “Bonus” to-do list which I never got to. I did get quite a bit done on Wednesday, though, just not this paper. Thursday I had a meeting with my therapist and she said that I did well on Wednesday but I needed to get over my bad mood from the fight with my husband so that I didn’t get depressed. It didn’t work. I couldn’t shake it. She suggested writing down things that will de-stress me and then doing one of those anytime I feel stressed. I haven’t done that yet.

Thursday evening I decided that I needed to stay up all night and research for my paper. I didn’t know what in the world I was doing. I looked through some articles online but I had no clue where to go with it all. I think that my topic was so broad that I just didn’t know how to pare it down. I wanted to do all of the subtopics on it, which would have made it at least 20 pages, not 5. So I wrote down a bunch of articles that I wanted to find. That was about 100 and I never got around to finding them because I would get sucked into an article and it would remind me of something completely unrelated and I would go google search that. It was a big waste of time.

Today I slept in until 1 PM because I didn’t get to bed until 8 AM. With nothing done toward my paper. Well I had looked things up, but I didn’t know what to do with the information. I haven’t written a research paper in a couple of years because I have been taking “easy” courses. I really think I am getting worse as I get older 😦 I thought that I was supposed to mature and blossom into a grown adult, but my brain seems to be deteriorating at a fast pace. I can’t get anything together. My brain is a jumbled mess. It is pushing me and my husband apart because he can’t handle all of my failures. I have no idea what is going to happen as far as next semester is concerned because I probably screwed up my financial aid and won’t be able to complete my 1 course I need to graduate. I am officially a screw up.

Overwhelm

I had a really bad day yesterday and didn’t even type up a post. I just felt overwhelmed with all the things that I felt like I had to do, so I did none of them. Well, that is not correct I did get a lot written for NaNoWriMo that I just found out about and decided to participate. It is a “competition” of sorts where you write a 50,000 page novel during the month of November. You are supposed to write 1,668 words a day or something like that. It wasn’t as bad as I thought and actually I quite enjoyed it. That is the only thing I got done, though. No, that still isn’t true. I went for a walk with my boys. That is my habit I am practicing this month. Some type of exercise every day.

I am supposed to small goals for myself everyday and also writing down 5 accomplishments, but I haven’t been keeping up with it. I have cycles of my moods. I will do really well for a while and then start feeling depressed and not do anything for a while. When I am at my lowest I won’t even get dressed or go outside for days. I know that this is effecting my children and a few months ago I went to seek help from a therapist. I think it is going pretty well, but I am impatient and want to be “better” already. I know that this is a process and I have to just work on it a day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time. One of my goals it to be more in the moment, so I definitely need to work on that.

I was planning on writing about overwhelm and how it takes control of me, but I think that many people are already aware that this is their problem. So I am going to write about some things that I KNOW help me and also make up some post-it notes to put around the house so I can remind myself of them. First, going outside everyday. I remember growing up my dad would stay inside for days on end with the curtains closed and his sunglasses on. I am a lot like him and when I am feeling low the last thing I want to do is to step outside in the sun. It feels like it is mocking me. “Haha, I am so bright and happy and you’re not”. So I need to remember that going outside is helpful and very beneficial.

Secondly, getting dressed and putting on makeup in the mornings. If I don’t put on makeup then I am having a bad day. I am blessed to have a nice complexion and don’t feel like I need makeup, but if I am feeling happy I will put it on so I am going to be putting on makeup everyday to trick my mind into thinking I am happy on days that I don’t feel that way. Also, along those lines I need to wash my makeup off every night. I have a bad habit of not washing it off and then in the mornings my eyes feel nasty from sleeping with the mascara on. I am sure it probably isn’t very safe either.

My last thing I am going to remind myself to do is to exercise everyday. It releases endorphins and makes me feel better about myself. Also, it makes me healthier so in the long run it makes a HUGE difference. I have a habit of comfort eating when I am depressed and then I get depressed more because I feel fat and unhealthy. When I exercise my body craves healthier foods, so another good reason! Since it is my new habit for the month I think that I will do really well with this one, but I am still putting up a reminder just in case. Hopefully these tips will help someone else who may have the same problems with overwhelm that I do.

What’s Most Important?

Well I am still awake at 12:51 AM. Why? Because I realized I hadn’t checked my math homework since Tuesday and found out I had two assignments due at 11:59 PM. So I forsook everything else to get those assignments done in 2 hours. I got one done. Although then I found out that my teacher extended the due date until Monday at 11:59 PM. So at least I have one assignment done and a chance to catch up on the other one.

I am a student. I am also a wife and a mother and as such, a homemaker. I am involved in our church, but would like to be more. I would also like to volunteer my time in the community somehow, but don’t really have any definite plans on that. Also, I am hopefully starting up a business. So I have 7 roles in life and I am not sure how I am supposed to know which is most important at any given time. I didn’t get our laundry put in the washer because I had to get those assignments finished. I should have taken 10 minutes out to get the laundry in the washer so that I wouldn’t be sitting up waiting for it to finish, but hindsight is 20/20. I went with the most pressing issue rather than the most logical one.

I didn’t want to have to plan my days, but I am still not quite at the place of being able to just live in the moment. I think that will come after I get rid of 90% of our items. Once the most pressing issue of clearing out the house is gone I can get my roles more evened out. I had to drop a couple classes again this semester and that is frustrating. So that is definitely pressing. I just feel guilty because I feel like my role as a wife, mother, community member, and friend are going to the back now. I want to make it so that I have balance in my life. I don’t want to feel like I am giving up one of my roles for another. Seven roles is a good amount to balance. I have an active life, but am not overwhelmed with it all. I think that it will be easier once I graduate next spring. The role of college student takes up a huge chunk of time, but it is only for 4 years (or in my case 6…and no I am not getting my Masters or Doctorate…)

So maybe that is where my problem lies. I feel like “Student” is defining my life too much, but in reality it will not be a defining role overall in my life. Sure, while “Student” is on my list of roles it feels huge, but it is tiny in comparison to “Mother”. I have 2 children so far and that has been a part of my life for 7 years. “Wife” has been a role for 8. So I am not seeing the big picture. I am looking at this moment and time and panicking. I am still going to be working on making things a little more even with some planning, but I don’t need to make them “even” in the sense that I do the same amount of work on each role, each day. It will all work out if I trust myself. I have the ability to feel at peace with my choices. I just need to quiet my mind and dwell upon things.

Edited to add: I was sitting here thinking and realized that my role as Homemaker is not as big as I thought. I think about cleaning on the time. I know I should get up and clean a lot, but I don’t make it a must. It isn’t something that I just do like most people. I am constantly thinking about it and that is why it seems like since a huge role. If I am not actually doing anything, then it isn’t that big of a role after all. Of course, that is all changing now since one of my major goals in life is to create a peaceful environment, both in my house and in my spirit.

Fear

Fear is what is holding me back. I decided to go from hoarder to minimalist a week ago. I have since taken no action toward that. Why? Because I am afraid. A huge component of hoarding is fear and anxiety. I am going to have to let go of that fear in order to let go of my possessions.

What am I afraid of? I am afraid of being alone. I know, that is crazy. I have a family and my hoarding is pushing them away, but “things” seem so comforting.  Since I was a child I have felt alone. I thought once I got married and had children that would somehow fill the void I felt in my life, but I was already so attached to things by then that I didn’t get rid of them to replace it with love of my family. Oh, I do love my family and I feel like they love me, but I don’t trust that love. I have more of a trust for “stuff” than I do for people. This is horrible, I know, but I wanted to be honest with my feelings.

So tonight after dinner I am starting to let go. I will be bagging up our items. The obvious trash will be thrown away, other items will be bagged up and put in a staging area of my house until all nonessential items are bagged and we will all go through them as a family and decide what items we want to give away and what items we want to sell. I am giving myself three weeks to have the house packed up. I MUST get everything in the house packed up in the next three weeks. There will be an update later.